Today is Thursday, my heart is heavy and I believe that putting my words on the page will help. One day my girls will read this and understand the tears I keep shedding, the constant hugs, the pausing to soak it all up. I have returned to the classroom. This is my second year teaching at the elementary school, Percy Priest. Last year, I was in 4th for a maternity leave then I became an enrichment teacher. This year I am in specials area as the tech teacher and that will be my position next year if I choose to continue in this dangerous profession. I love teaching, it doesn't pay a large sum of money but it fulfills my heart and kids bring me joy. They are innocent and interested and loving and full of hope and joy. But then Monday happened and I am at a loss. We had a security drill planned for Monday, all schools are prepared for the most part to practice a lockdown if a shooter should enter the building. It is hard to practice, I think of Columbine, the fear I felt and all the others there after. They continue to happen. Why do they continue to happen? Sandy Hook made me the saddest as this time it was an elementary school, but then Monday happened. At 10ish in the morning, Dr. Young announced we were going into lockdown, but our teacher text thread informed us it wasn't a drill. I immediately texted Russ to ask him what was going on in Nashville, my heart began to race. He reported back at the same time my former counter part, Emily called to tell me there was a school shooting at Covenant. Russ continued to update me, I reached out to Amanda to check on Mackenzie at FRA. We were all in a lockout, but safe. Not Covenant. Covenant Presbyterian has been my church since the 7th grade. I admit, I do not frequent church as much as I should or really would like to, but it is where my best friend was married, my children were baptized, i took marriage counseling, bible study, my brother's wedding, youth group, ski trips, friendships, taught VBS, so many beautiful memories inside those doors. The news hit the national news and my friends near and far began to call. I would text, I couldn't talk, I was teaching. I stayed collected. 3 children died, many more have bullet wounds, 3 adults died.
What is the point of this madness? I survived the day and drove to get Mackenzie after school and began the journey of talking to my kids. Rough conversations, thousands of questions with minimal answers. We prayed. We still pray. Mackenzie is scared. She is worried about me in the classroom and about her safety and her sister's safety. I can't believe this. Why runs through my head daily? Every day I have taught since then as felt like survival. Nashville is not ok, children are not ok, I am not ok.
